


Don't Speak

by masterpiece



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Post-Season/Series 01, i was in this fandom for all of five minutes don't expect much from this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-17 05:35:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterpiece/pseuds/masterpiece
Summary: Simon had expected showing up at the hotel would lead to a confrontation, had almost hoped for it so that he could rid himself of the guilt that had been weighing him down from the moment the words "I'm disappointed in you" were uttered, hard and dripping with venom. But each time he tries to apologize for what he did, he is silenced. Simon is starting to think the older vampire is doing it just to punish him. He would ask if it wouldn't be considered "talking about it".





	Don't Speak

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in 2016 and forgot to post it lol. Unedited, unbeta'd, and pretty shit. Enjoy!

They don’t talk about it.

Simon tries, at first. When the thirst becomes so great that he can't stay at the Institute any longer, not without feeling the strong, instinctive pull to sink his teeth into the closest neck and just drink and drink until he has quelled the burning thirst in his lungs. He returns to the Hotel DuMort on the third day with his tail between his legs, fully intending to bare his soul and beg for forgiveness he didn’t deserve — but Raphael doesn't let him. 

The older vampire takes one look at him: a pitiful, shivering ball of nerves standing outside the hotel in his faded Captain America t-shirt, deep hunger evident in the shaking of his hands and in his extended fangs, and nods for him to get inside. No words, no sighs of annoyance, not even a sarcastic eye-roll. Raphael's pale face is a mask of indifference, giving nothing away. 

”Raphael, I…” Simon says as he follows him down the hallway of the DuMort, towards the room that had been his when he was still welcome here, but the mute shake of Raphael’s head silences the honest apology that is dancing on the tip of his tongue. Simon heaves a sigh but nods, accepts the glass of blood that is handed to him with a silent thank you and downs it like a ravenous hyena. They don't talk about it that night. 

They don't talk about it the next night either, or the night after that. Two weeks pass and they still haven't addressed the big, Camille-shaped elephant in the room. Simon doesn't understand. Every time he tries to bring it up, Raphael tells him to shut up or gives him a pointed look, and Simon falls silent. He doesn't go against Raphael's orders anymore. The last time he did, people got hurt. 

Eventually, things go back to normal – or as normal as they can be with Camille on the loose, Valentine building an army, and unresolved tension hanging over the DuMort like a wet, smothering blanket. But Raphael is acting like nothing happened, and for each night that passes, Simon wonders why Raphael doesn't put a stake through his heart.

He had expected showing up at the hotel would lead to a confrontation, had almost hoped for it so that he could rid himself of the guilt that had been weighing him down from the moment the words "I'm disappointed in you" were uttered, hard and dripping with venom. But each time he tries to apologize for what he did, he is silenced. Simon is starting to think the older vampire is doing it just to punish him. He would ask if it wouldn't be considered "talking about it".

But Simon is nothing if not stubborn. He is determined to win Raphael's trust back, no matter how long it takes.

Raphael is away on vampire business more often than he used to. Simon doesn't ask, but he knows. He knows he's out forming alliances with other vampire clans in the state, because Camille hasn't made a move to take back the DuMort and they all know it’s only a matter of time. And it's all Simon's fault. 

He runs into Raphael in the hallway a month after Camille is freed from her coffin. 'By your own two hands' his brain reminds him unhelpfully. Raphael has been pale for as long as Simon has known him, but he looks eerily pallid under the dim lights, a sickly shade that twists Simon's gut into knots and makes his mouth go dry. 

The usually immaculate hair is free of product and is curling around Raphael's ears, and his black suit is rumpled, like he has slept in it. But it is the dark, heavy bags blooming under Raphael's eyes, an alarming contrast against his alabaster skin, that spur Simon into action.

He looks at him, searching for something to say that isn't _'I’m sorry'_ and finally just pulls Raphael into a hug. He holds him tighter than he has any right to, holds him like a mother hugging her son goodbye before he goes to war, and whispers, "Be careful." 

Raphael doesn't reply, but he gives Simon's arm a gentle squeeze before he leaves, and that's enough for Simon.

Simon makes a habit of it.

Every time Raphael is leaving the hotel, Simon pulls him into a tight embrace, and each time he hopes, _prays_ it won’t be their last, because out there is a prowling monster that he helped set loose. But he pushes his gnawing guilt to the back of his mind and whispers the same words that have become as familiar to his tongue as the back of Raphael’s head has become to his eyes, the sight of Raphael turning to leave the hotel a haunting imprint on the inside of Simon’s eyelids. 

“I will,” Raphael always responds, and he appears as composed as he usually does, except for the small quiver of his Adam’s apple. Simon touches pale fingers to his own forearm, still tingling from where Raphael had squeezed it, and prays for his return.

He returns. 

Simon’s relief is fleeting.

The next night, the clan finds out that Camille has been sighted in Brooklyn, and this time when Simon sees Raphael off he demands to go with him. 

“Please, Raphael. You shouldn’t go alone,” he begs, wishing Raphael would just trust him like he did before Simon threw it all away. 

“No.”

Simon tugs at his hair in frustration. “Come on, Raph, it’s not safe. What if something happens? You will need backup."

"I said _no_."

“Seriously, I can help! I’ve been keeping up with my training, I promise I won’t be a burden,” Simon presses, and when that fails, he sighs and tries a different approach. “Look, she’s my sire. That means we have some kind of connection, right? Maybe I can distract her, pretend to want her or something–”

The kiss catches him off guard, a shock to his system that shuts him up like nothing has managed to before. It’s short, barely lasting long enough for Simon’s brain to register that their lips are touching, but his eyes close in immediate response, lashes splaying across pale skin. 

The dark hallway is quiet but for his quick breathing, a residual function from his mortal life that Raphael has been unsuccessful in breaking him of, and by the time Simon reopens his eyes to face what just transpired between them, Raphael has already disappeared into the night, leaving Simon with a strange feeling in his stomach that surprisingly isn’t unpleasant. It's _intriguing_. 

If he were still human, his heart would be beating so fast that the sound of it would echo through the walls.

Simon calls Clary. 

He hasn’t been back to the Institute since he returned to the DuMort, hasn’t seen Clary and the others in just as long. He swore to himself the minute he was allowed back in the hotel that he would stay out of Shadowhunter business until he had regained Raphael’s trust and showed the clan that he was ready to fight for his new home. 

Clary of course tried to convince him to return to the Institute, had promised that everyone would be good to him, but as much as Simon wanted to believe her, he knew he would never fit in at the Institute. Izzy, Jace, even _Alec_ were okay, but the others wouldn’t look too kindly on having a Downworlder among them. 

Simon had seen the contemptuous looks they gave him when he walked the halls, heard what they said about him when they thought he wasn’t listening. In the eyes of the seraphim, his kind was inferior. 

Worst of all, Raphael warned him about this, that night when he locked him in the cage with Clary. Ignoring his warnings was yet another misstep in the long line of mistakes Simon has made in relation to Raphael. But he is heeding his warnings now and staying out of Shadowhunter business, like he should have done from the start. 

Clary is still his best friend though and will always be his best friend, no matter how many worlds there may be between them. So when he returns to his room, buzzing with conflicting emotions from the kiss, it is her comfort he seeks. 

Clary, bless her heart, picks up on the third ring despite the late hour. Her voice is thick with sleep but she quickly perks up, like she has been expecting a call from him in the middle of the night for quite some time now. Simon can't bring himself to feel guilty. 

"Simon, what's wrong? Is it Camille?" Clary says, the sound of the bed creaking as she sits up transferring over the phone. 

Simon ignores the worry coiling in his stomach at the mention of Camille, the kiss having momentarily distracted him from the reason he had demanded to go with Raphael in the first place. 

He sighs. "No, I... it's something else. It's Raphael."

He tells her everything. 

She doesn't offer him a solution, but she listens to his ramblings and tries to help him make sense of his feelings as good as she can with her own love life being a mess worthy of daytime TV. And it helps. When he hangs up, he isn't feeling any less confused about what transpired between him and Raphael, but he is no longer panicking about it. 

Clary has always had a calming effect on him, and hearing her say that she will support him no matter what reminds him of why he had been so willing to release a serious threat to the clan and giving up his only chance at getting retribution just to wake Clary's mother. 

Jocelyn is like a second mother to him and he will do anything to help her and Clary. But he can no longer follow blindly. Before, it was him and Clary against the world, comforting each other after rejections, failed exams and bad days, and celebrating together when things went their way. But now they belong to different worlds, and their respective kinds don't play nice with each other. Supporting Clary won't be so easy anymore. 

A month ago he would have supported her unconditionally, just like she had owned his heart unconditionally, but Simon was slowly coming to realize that the latter wasn't true for him anymore. The thought of Clary no longer instilled a deep longing in him like there was a big, gaping hole in his heart that could only be filled with her love and her smile and her laugh. When she smiled at him, his breath used to catch in his throat. Now, all he sees when she smiles at him is a sister. 

He had thought about no longer loving Clary. Watching her with Jace – before they knew she and Jace belonged to the same family tree – seeing her so happy with him, Simon had wondered if he would ever fall out of love with her. He had expected to feel sad, if that were to happen. After all, being in love with Clary had been the one thing he had always been sure of. Even after he found out that things of nightmares were real, even after he had been turned into a monster himself. He hadn't been sure of who he was, hand't been sure of anything but for the one constant in his life: that he loved Clary and would do anything to win her heart. 

Simon isn't in love with Clary anymore and he isn't sad about it, he feels... _relieved._

But there is one thing still weighing on his mind, and the next time Simon is alone with Raphael, laying next to him in bed watching shadows from the candle dance across Raphael's skin, he finally asks him, "Why won't you let me apologize?" The answer he receives feels like a punch to the gut, but Simon knows he deserves it.

"Because I don't know if I can accept your apology." 

Raphael doesn't look at him when he says it, and Simon makes a promise to himself that he won't try to say it again. Instead, he will show it to Raphael with actions, and with loyalty.

They never talk about it again because in the end, they don't need to.


End file.
